My Never
by explodingduck
Summary: Chris/Angie oneshot. Set between series 1 and 2. Chris thinks back on what they did and didn't have. Before Jal etc.


**_ChrisxAngie, oneshot, set in between series 1 and 2. _**

**_Song: My Never by Blue October._**

* * *

My Never

_Will you think of me,_

_in time?_

_It's never my luck,_

_So never mind._

He stares at her as she walks down the school corridor, hands full with books and her hair a little messy, an expression on her face that warms his insides. He has been staring at her like this every day for the past month, as she walks from the classroom, in which they just had Psychology, to the staff room, and he can't get her out of his head. As she passes him, her head turns and she looks directly at him; It's the first time in a very long time that someone really looks at him with clear and open eyes and sees everything that he hides beneath that partying facade. She smiles at him, that half crooked smile that lights up her eyes and she looks at him with curiousity in her big eyes and bites her lip. His breath hitches and he wonders if she is aware of the fact that she is biting her lip in a very seductive way whilst looking at him, and kind of smiling at the same time, with those big curious eyes and-

_I wanna say your name,_

_But the pain starts again,_

_It's never my luck,_

_So never mind._

As she passes him, he finally finds the courage to open his mouth.  
"A... a, ang..." but he doesn't get further, because suddenly he is overwhelmed by a sadness that shoots through his stomach and up his throat, making it impossible to breathe properly, and he's not sure if it's the alcohol from last night or if something in the way she looked at him tipped it off, as if being looked at, simply looked at, by a slightly older woman makes him realise what his mother never gave him.

_And I had a dream that you were with me,_

_it wasn't my fault,_

_you rolled me over, flipped me over,_

_like a somersault._

If she knew about the dreams he dreamed at night, he would send her running, but in the back of his mind he quietly realises that something about her must also encourage this crush that he has, something about her draws him to her, and something about him draws her to him. He can feel it. Or is it imaginary? God, he wants her.

He can stare at her, stare at her petite yet lush figure, stare at her face and those big, curiously brown eyes, stare at her mouth, the lower lip that she cannot seem to stop biting when he's near her, subconciously while marking papers and exams by her desk, and sometimes when she is fully aware of his stare. At night, he can feel her, feel her body pressed against his, feel her warmth, and he can dream and wish and crave and want her for the rest of his life, but she is still an impossibility. She is everything he wants yet everything that he shouldn't want.

_That doesn't happen to me_

_I've never been here before_

_I saw forever in my never,_

_And I stood outside her_

_Heaven._

Angieis his fucking psychology teacher, and when he looks at her, the dark world he lives in is a brighter place, a place where he almost likes himself. Angie is his fucking psychology teacher, and she is his never but he cannot help but seeing and wishing and thinking and craving all of her.

_Will you wait for me,_

_In time?_

_It's never my luck,_

_So never mind._

One day, he suddenly finds that courage buried deep inside of him, and as she passes him in the corridor, he speaks: "Hullo, Angie, would you like some help with yer books?" he smiles at her and approaches her and, without waiting for an answer, he gently takes the books from her hands. Their fingers brush against eachother and there's electricty and tension, and sparks fly between them. She smiles at him a little shyly and he smiles back at her, loving how small she seems, loving how she bites her lip while looking at him.

_And, yeah, I lost a lot of what I_

_don't expect to ever return_

_I tend to push `em 'till the pushings turn from hurting to burn,  
_

No matter how many great friends one has, if without a family, loneliness is inevitable. Chris tends to see himself as a living example of that._  
_

_I always take them to that place I thought they wanted_

_to go,_

_But end up dancing 'round this clown commands,_

_applause at a show..._

He loves partying, always has, always will. It is a lifestyle he chose without really choosing and it is who he is. And when he is crazy and dancing and jumping around the place and smoking, that is when he feels alive and loves himself, and that is how he manages to get through the other days, the moments spent with his mother, and that is when he manages to not think of his brother.

_I had a dream that you were with me,_

_It wasn't my fault,_

_you rolled me over,flipped me over,_

_A somersault._

And maybe his dreams and this craving for Angie is not only about _her_ and how she drives him crazy by just being in the same room, he thinks, maybe it's about all the loss he has had to take and maybe he is confused, and a teenager, but that does not change the fact: he wants Angie, he wants her more for each passing day. And every day they become a little closer, talk a little more, smile a little more, stand closer to each other, and maybe it just _is_ his wild imagination but at least she looks at him and sees him for who is. And accepts what she sees.

_And that doesn't happen to me_

_I've never been here before_

_I saw forever in my never,_

_And I stood outside her_

_Heaven_

_Her heaven,_

_Heaven,_

_Heaven.  
_

Their first kiss was short, but sweet. They had been in Russia, in a dark motel room, with Tom sleeping on the cot next to Angie's, and Chris had been lying under her bed for over half an hour. Somehow, that made the kiss even sweeter. She was everything he had imagined but even better because now she was real, her lips against his were there and he could not help but teasingly bite her lower lip. The kiss lasted less than two seconds and yet it would linger on his lips until the break of dawn.

_And I could only dream of you and sleep,_

_but I never see sunlight again,_

_I can try to be with you, _

_but somehow I'll end up just losing a friend,_

_I can only reach for you, relate to you,_

_I'm losing my friend..._

_Where did she go? Where?_

And when she touches him, he is overwhelmed by a feeling of warmth and love and confusion, but he touches her and marvels at her beauty and what her mere prescence does to his mind and body and yet they both know that the end must be coming; she sees it all a little clearer, whilst he stays in a place called denial, a place he has spent many nights alone.

_I had a dream that you were with me ,_

_It wasn't my fault,_

_you rolled me over, flipped me over,_

_like a somersault._

It isn't a dream anymore, yet it feels like it.

_That doesn't happen to me_

_I've never been here before_

_I saw forever in my never,_

_And I stood outside her_

_Heaven_

_I stood outside her heaven_

_Let me in your heaven...  
_

_I wanna live inside your heaven. _

In hindsight, Chris knows it: him and Angie could never have lasted. She was his teacher and he was her student and that was as simple as it was.


End file.
